


I Ship Mantis and Nebula

by loosenoodlepoodledoodle



Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [6]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Absurd, Action/Adventure, F/F, LGBTQ Themes, Marvel Cinematic Universe - Freeform, Parody
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-01
Updated: 2020-01-01
Packaged: 2021-02-24 17:21:29
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,743
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22061602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/loosenoodlepoodledoodle/pseuds/loosenoodlepoodledoodle
Summary: Two star-crossed lovers among the stars try to take their destiny into their own hands. Then, for some reason I switch narrative characters to Dr. Helen Cho.
Relationships: Mantis/Nebula (Marvel)
Series: Non-K-Pop Parodies [6]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1672396
Kudos: 2





	I Ship Mantis and Nebula

It was not long after the Guardians of the Galaxy had left Earth when they were riven apart again. Peter Quill was moping in his room about Gamora. Drax and Groot were engaged in a staring contest, one which would tragically claim both their lives. And Thor and Rocket Racoon had fallen prey to their own vices of substance abuse. Therefore, when Mantis started feeling lonely, the only one she could turn to was cold, woe begotten Nebula.

She found her skulking in a dark corner, away from everyone else.

“What do you want?” growled the blue badass.

Mantis frowned. She puckered up her lips as she did so, and furrowed her brow, and look super sad and cute. Also, she has great tits.

“I—I’m sorry,” stammered Nebula. She was trying to be a better person, but it was just so hard.

Mantis brightened up. “I forgive you. You’re the first person on this ship who’s ever apologized to me!”

She knelt down and took Nebula’s hands. “That’s strange. Normally I can get a feeling out of this.”

“That’s because my hands are robotic. As are my feet. Some other bits and pieces, too.”

“You sound like you don’t like it.”

“No. It reminds me of you-know-who. From that franchise J. J. Abrams ruined. But honestly, it would be nice to just feel things for real again.” As she said this, her gaze drifted down to Mantis’s amazing tits, right in front of her, mere inches from her face.

_I wonder what it’d be like to rub my head against those_ , she thought wistfully.

“Oh!” said Mantis, a bit surprised.

“What?”

“I just remembered something. Back on Earth, there’s this doctor, Helen Cho, who invented some kind of regeneration technique.”

“And?”

“Well, how about we take the pod and go back and fix you?”

Nebula blinked. “And what makes you trust Terran technology?”

Mantis shrugged. “I don’t. But I do trust Wakandan technology. And since we’re all heroes, we won’t even need a copay!”

Nebula looked into Mantis’s eyes, dark orbs as creepy as her own. She realized she had fallen in love. But she wondered if Mantis was ready for it.

“Remember when we first met, and you wanted to read everyone’s minds?”

“Yes. You were a prisoner, so I didn’t get a chance. Since then, I thought it might be too rude to ask.”

Nebula cocked her head to the side. “You can look now. If you’re ready for it.”

Mantis was thrilled. She had only used her power to the max back on Titan, during the failed ambush against Thanos. And he was icky. Nobody else had let her mind-fuck them; it was kind of maddening for her.

She prepared the Vulcan mind meld. “Ready?”

“Ready.”

As they partook of mental coitus, all grew silent around them. Drax burst several blood vessels in his eyes. Groot’s extremities died due to lack of moisture. Thor accidentally lit his own fart on fire in his sleep. Rocket passed out drunk from too much butterbeer. And Peter Quill just couldn’t finish, no matter how hard he tried.

At last the mindfuck finished. Nebula was surprised that Mantis didn’t draw back.

“You’re not…repelled? By me?”

“No,” said Mantis. “Everything you’ve done, after all you’ve been through—there’s still love in you yet!”

Nebula could hardly believe it.

“Am I worth it?”

“Yes! Of course you are!”

Nebula put her tongue in Mantis’s mouth.

***

Much later, they were approaching Earth in Starlord’s Tide pod, or whatever they call it. The menfolk, for their part, could hardly object, as they had died less than a minute after Mantis & Nebula’s departure on account of a faulty airlock seal that they didn’t know about left over from _Infinity War_. This is why you shouldn’t repair starships with cans of spray-on hull, by the way.

There was a burst of static over the comms, and then an authoritative voice spoke.

_“This is Terran Space Authority. Alien vessel, state your intentions.”_

“We want to meet Dr. Helen Cho in Birnin Zana. We’re the Guardians of the Galaxy!”

After some time: _“Alien vessel, you are cleared to land at terminal six-nine.”_

“Nice,” said Mantis and Nebula.

***

Dr. Cho was waiting for them at the spaceport.

“I’m sorry, this is all a little overwhelming for me. I’ve never been to Wakanda before. I’d never even heard of it until a few years ago. And now some aliens—er, _extraterrestrials_ want to meet me? Why?”

“We want to use your Cradle technology to restore my friend’s body,” explained Mantis. Nebula glowed on the inside at finally having a friend.

“But, how am I supposed to get it to work on her physiology?”

“Ask the Wakandans for help,” growled Nebula. She still couldn’t deny her nature. “This city has a sizeable expat community of Kree. Plenty of medical personnel are here for you to consult.”

“How the fuck did that happen?” Dr. Cho was aghast.

“The Kree Empire has been Wakanda’s chief export market for the past six hundred years. The main reason the Wakandans never conquered the whole planet with their magic rocks is because the Empire forbade it. My people didn’t want the entirety of planet C-53 to experience the benefits vibranium could provide. Otherwise we’d be courting a potential rival.”

“Gosh,” said Dr. Cho, “that makes a whole lot more sense than the official canon story of, ‘ _we were afraid the white man would somehow overcome all our vibranium defenses and instead hid like a bunch of cowards._ ’”

“Indeed,” said Nebula.

***

It took a couple of days, but Dr. Cho got her consultation, and Nebula was made whole again. They could’ve gotten it done even quicker, too, if only Shuri had not suddenly disappeared on a shoe-buying expedition for her dear brother. Meanwhile, the number of Starbucks in the capital was rapidly climbing, so they all sat down together for coffee and a snack.

“You look troubled,” said Mantis.

Dr. Cho sighed. “It’s this place. Ever since they opened up to the outside world, they’ve begun monopolizing everything. Their technology’s so advanced, too. I became a medical researcher to make the world a better place. But what am I supposed to do now that they’ve invented everything?”

Mantis and Nebula pondered this. “You can tag along with us, if you like.”

“Really?” said Dr. Cho. “What are you going to do?”

Nebula looked out the window. “First, I think we’re going to get a room at that hotel over there, and spend the rest of the evening fucking.”

Dr. Cho was slightly taken aback. Lesbian sex had not been at the forefront of her mind, though she couldn’t say it was _too_ far from it. However, she had always preferred dick, hence her interest in Thor in Age of Ultron. If only she could know the horror story that even now Fat Thor was just waking up to back on the _Benatar_.

She ran her fingers through the hair above her right ear, very cutely. “Got room for a third wheel?” she asked so sweetly.

“Sure,” said Nebula.

***

They couldn’t spend the whole night at the hotel. They were kicked out for excessive noise, and boarded a red eye flight to New York. They had lost the _Benatar’s_ pod, on account of it being confiscated by the Wakandan government in order to reverse engineer the spaceflight technology they had so desperately longed for, and so heinously been banned from by the Kree. In the palace, King T’Challa clenched his fist in triumph as he strutted about wearing a fabulous pair of Fabergé glass slippers and whispered earnestly, “And now _they_ will fear _us_.”

Soon after their landing at JFK, which was in the process of being renamed “Anthony Edward Stark International Airport,” they were caught in a traffic jam.

“Let’s take the subway,” suggested Dr. Cho. “It can’t be any worse than this, right?”

But Cuomo had stayed in power during the Blip, so it totally was. Finally, they reached their destination.

“Why did we come all the way here?” asked Dr. Cho. “I thought we were just going to Penn station to take a train upstate.”

“This was Mantis’s idea,” said Nebula. Mantis looked bashful. And cute. So very, very cute.

Mesmerized, Dr. Cho opened the door to 177A Bleeker Street. Inside, Doctor Strange was having brunch with a cameo by Dr. Gregory House.

“Stephen and I go way back, you know,” regaled Dr. House. “We were at Hopkins together. But I was more into solving puzzles, while he was a wizard with his hands. And now he’s a Wizard for real,” he deadpanned.

Dr. Cho cocked her head to the side, perplexed. “Were you expecting us?”

“Yes,” said Doctor Strange. “Nebula called me collect. Long distance. No one does that to me unless they mean business.”

Dr. Cho turned to her companions. “What’s going on?”

Nebula shifted uncomfortably on her feet. “Last night, I was just thinking. You can’t be a doctor any more, and without my cybernetic implants I’m not much of a fighter. So I thought of another famous doctor who had to become something new late in his career.”

“Ahem,” said Doctor Strange. “You’ve been shortlisted for one of the new schools of magic. So many people witnessed the final battle with Thanos, that all the normies insisted on expanding magical education. We just need to wait for one more person, and then you can be off to Fake Hogwarts. Ah, Miss Maximoff!”

Scarlet Witch stepped gingerly down the grand stairs. She was acting very shy, and Dr. Cho supposed she must still be shell-shocked.

“If you’re all ready to go, just allow me—” and Doctor Strange opened a portal for them.

“Remember ladies, try to learn quickly, Earth is really going to need every hand on deck for Avengers 5.”

As the portal closed behind them, Dr. Cho thought she distinctly heard Dr. House say, “Back at Hopkins, we used to call him ‘Steve McQueen.’ So years later, guess what I named my rat!”

Doctor Strange grumbled.

***

“What is this place?” asked Mantis.

High above them, but not too far, the magic school stood small and remote. Dr. Cho wasn’t sure where it was, just in some wooded hills somewhere on Earth. The only continent she could readily rule out was Antarctica.

Nebula looked around. “No one’s here to meet us. I think we should just go up the drive.”

Taking Mantis by the arm, she led the way. Dr. Cho stayed further back, with Wanda.

“Are you all right?” she asked.

Wanda looked at her. A range of emotions flashed across her face.

“Would _you_ be okay? If you lost your family, your brother, your mentor, and…the love of your life?”

Dr. Cho gasped. Her own parents had died during a deleted scene in Pacific Rim, but even then she was shocked at the scale of Wanda’s loss. Without a word, she took Wanda’s arm in her own.

They reached their destination soon.

“Is—is this normal for Earth architecture?” asked Mantis.

“No,” said Dr. Cho, “no, it isn’t.”

The school, if you could call it that, was a great stone mishmash. It had several small wings jutting out from the center at odd angles, and its roofs appeared to defy geometry. Ivy clung to its walls to the second story, mercifully concealing them from view. But disturbing little stone gargoyles and cherubs decorated every corner and apex.

“What sort of school is this?” wondered Wanda.

The front door, in ominous shadow, creaked open.

“Welcome, my children,” said a hooded figure. He looked like a Jedi Knight!

“Oh my god kimchi,” said Dr. Cho.

***

The stranger led them into the dark foyer. Dr. Cho couldn’t tell exactly what gender the person was, or if they were human for that matter.

“You’re going to love it here,” the stranger explained. “All this room, in this big old house, and no one nearby by to spoil our fun!” He or she paused for a moment, in thought. “No one to share the pizza with. No one to call 9-1-1. No one to,” and at this he, she, or it paused dramatically, “hear you scream in the night. Tee hee!”

“Stop scaring them, Master,” scolded a woman’s voice. Dr. Cho looked up to see a glamorous blonde standing atop the main stairs. Her hair was long and flowing, and her ghostly blue eyes pierced all their hearts. She wore a matching shiny blue dress. For a second, Dr. Cho was so taken that she wondered if the woman had been miscast.

“Oh, Miss Teak, you’re no fun,” said the Master, grumpily. “Ahem. Let me show you to your rooms.”

The Master led them up the stairs. Dr. Cho shivered; the walls were covered in antique mirrors. She looked at herself in one of them and was surprised at how tired she looked. She had bags under her eyes, and they were mildly bloodshot. Wanda’s face appeared next to hers, and she became embarrassed. She turned to continue up the steps only to bump into Mantis.

She was staring at Miss Teak.

“What’re you looking at?” said the glamorous blonde.

“N-nothing, sorry.” They continued up the stairs.

***

“This is the blue room. Next door is the green room. They share a bathroom. You may decide who will stay in which room. Miss Teak will stay across the hall, she is your group leader. I dwell in the basement.”

The Master adjusted his, her, or its garments. “Pizza will be served in the parlor in twenty minutes. It’s downstairs, use either door beside the stairs. It is not recommended to wander the house after dark. Miss Teak will collect you in the morning for breakfast and orientation. Nighty-night!”

And the Master curtsied!

As soon as they were alone with Miss Teak, the questions came pouring out of them.

“What is this place?”

“Who is that guy? And is it a he or a she?”

“What’s your first name?”

“What’s up with you, anyway?”

“What kind of pizza is it?”

Miss Teak shrugged. “I don’t know much about this place, it’s my first day, too. I don’t know anything about the Master, either, other than he’s a dude. My first name is Raven. I don’t know what you mean by ‘what’s up with me,’ I’m just supposed to be in charge of this cohort. Finally, I don’t know what brand of pizza, but it’ll be original crust, cheese and pepperoni. Hope you like Coke.”

This was acceptable to them, as were her answers. Mantis and Nebula decided to share the green room and push the beds together. After a bit of hesitation, Dr. Cho convinced Wanda to do the same with theirs.

“Strictly platonic, of course,” said Dr. Cho.

“I’m not sure what that means,” said Wanda.

“Oh, sorry.”

Miss Teak snickered, and checked the other room. “Oh, how cute.”

Mantis and Nebula were snuggled together on their beds. Dr. Cho felt her heart soar at the sight of them. When Wanda squeezed into the doorway next to her, she couldn’t help but let her hand drop to her side, touching Wanda’s.

Wanda flinched, but she didn’t draw her hand back, either.

A sudden boom jolted them all. “That’s the damned front door knocker,” said Miss Teak, annoyed.

“Piiiiiizzzzzzzzaaaaaaaaa!” sang the Master, down below, and Dr. Cho was sure his voice sounded more familiar in this mode.

Miss Teak headed for the bedroom door. “I’ve got to change out of this dress. I don’t want to get pizza grease on it. You can find your way back downstairs on your own, right?”

“Sure.”

***

Later that night, Dr. Cho and the others were hanging out in the blue room. The heating wasn’t working right, so they had to use their body heat to stay alive. Can’t say they didn’t enjoy it.

“Hey,” said Wanda, “do you think Miss Teak is feeling cold, too? Maybe we should invite her in here with us.”

“That’s not a bad idea,” said Nebula, and she slipped out of bed naked to go knock on their leader’s door. But before she could open their own, she suddenly stopped, hand darting out to a chair next to the door. The others were shocked to see a distortion where she reached, and even more surprised to see the distortion jiggle.

“What the fuck is that?” asked Dr. Cho.

“I knew there was something odd with the lighting over here,” explained Nebula. “Show yourself Miss Teak…or should I say Mystique?”

Zounds! It was her all along! Her sexy blue body, with all its sexy anatomical correctness, and humongous boobs, materialized in the chair. Nebula’s hand clutched one of the tits, gently squeezing it, rubbing the erect nipple with her thumb. Mystique’s flowing orange hair and yellow eyes added to the enchanting scene.

“What are you doing here?” asked Mantis. “And why are you sitting there naked?”

“Don’t you know?” said Nebula. “Mystique is famous for her peeping fetish. Look, there’s already a damp spot on the chair between her legs.”

There totally was, and it suddenly got even wetter now that she was caught.

“What now?” asked Mystique. “You gonna punish me?”

“Hell yes,” came the unanimous reply.

***

Late that night, or really early that morning, Dr. Cho woke up in the middle of the pussy pile. There was a flickering light coming from the bathroom, and some strange sounds. Also, there was the sound of a woman whimpering, but in the delightful, masturbatory way. Dr. Cho had to check it out.

“Hello? Is anyone there? (We’ve got room for one more…)”

The sound was coming from the bathtub. The curtain was drawn shut around it in an obvious cliché.

_There had better be something awesome behind this,_ Dr. Cho thought. She pulled back the curtain.

There was nothing there, unless you counted the slight puddle of wetness. Then suddenly there was light, and a woman appeared, naked and fingering herself vigorously. She had a ridiculous English accent.

“Please, it hurts if I stop,” said the woman.

“Help!” shouted Dr. Cho. The others were there in a flash.

“Oh, you must be Ghost,” said Mystique. “She’s the final member of our cohort. I’m not sure how to stabilize her _quantumness_ , or whatever it is. Maybe you people can help.”

Mantis stabilized Ghost’s mental state, and Wanda used her powers of _what-the-plot-requires_ to fix her quantum state. Quantum quantum quantum!

“Oh my God, the pain is gone for good! How can I ever repay you?”

Nebula tittered. “I can think of at least a few different ways.”

The others snickered.

***

They didn’t get up until almost noon the next day, and were sore at brunch. But they didn’t miss anything, because the Master had been up all night as well, fucking Vanessa in their sex dungeon.

“Oh, was that a clue as to my true identity?” asked the Master.

Vanessa, perched on his lap, said, “Wade, you didn’t tell me there were six other girls here! We could have ganged up on you!”

The Master, cover blown, merely shrugged. But Vanessa knew he regretted not saying anything, because she felt his boner suddenly rise up. They slipped out of the room to fuck. Thus they were not present when the Dark Dimension opened up before our heroes’ very eyes.

“What is going on?” asked Dr. Cho, over the din.

“We’re not ready!” cried out Mantis.

Something stepped out of the portal. It was huge, filling the room, its ears banging the ceiling. It had a round, dark head with a pale, grinning face. Its ears were also round, and its comically tiny body was adorned in childish red shorts with oversize white buttons. Its whip-like tail thrashed about.

_“We are Disney,”_ said Mickey Mouse. _“You will be assimilated. Resistance is futile. Do not struggle or you will be punished. Just like we punished Rian Johnson by retconning_ The Last Jedi _, hahahahaha—”_

“We haven’t even started our magic lessons! This isn’t fair at all!” objected Mystique strenuously.

“At least you have a mutant power,” said Nebula. “I just lost the only things that made me a badass!”

But Dr. Cho wouldn’t let the team, her lovers, fall apart now. “No, Nebula! You ARE a badass! That has been your superpower all along! And Mantis, you can mind-fuck! Wanda, you are the Scarlet Witch of my dreams and nightmares! And Mystique: I’ve always thought you were hot. Now you are SUPER-HOT!”

Her words gave them courage and heart, so much so that Wanda was able to turn their epic feels of the moment into a hotness tornado that burned away the flesh of the Mouse, revealing the machinery beneath.

“Holy shit, what the fuck!” Dr. Cho almost lost her mind.

The clockwork insides of the Mouse were powered by hamster wheels containing CHARACTERS SACRIFICED. Natasha Romanoff, Steve Rogers, Tony Stark, and countless others energized the infernal machine. Wanda saw her brother Pietro deep within, among the forgotten. Her love, Vision, graced hers but for a second. Deep inside, the character arcs of Rey, Finn, and Poe were ground to nothing in the teeth of the works.

“No. NO WAY! We can’t all be destined for this…”

“Cogs in the machine,” said Nebula.

“It’s getting more powerful,” said Mantis. “The more attention we give it, the more it feeds. And there’s no way to ignore it! Ignoring it means instant death!”

Mystique shook her head. “We let it grow unchecked for too long. Now our doom is at hand, inescapable. Just like global warming.”

“Damn it, snap out of it!” yelled Dr. Cho. “I’m not going down without a fight! And if that means death, then so be it! It will be a death worthy of song! We will be remembered like King Sejong!”

And the fight was on.

***

Afterward, Mickey refastened his skin an adjusted his shorts. Then Deadpool came in, smoking a cigar.

“Well, they didn’t last long, did they?”

Mickey shook his head. His eyes had become dollar signs.

“Nope, Mister Wade! They just had to fight back! It’s such a shame, but I got my due in the end, just like I always do! Hee-hee!”

“Like I always say; if you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” said Deadpool. He shifted nervously on his feet. Mickey gave him a sideways look.

“I hear you’re into butt stuff, Mister Wade…” began Mickey.

Deadpool grimaced beneath his mask.


End file.
